Monday, January 3, 2011

It's about to get personal.

For anyone who's still reading this blog, or maybe for the unfortunate soul who stumbles upon it, this is a warning of a mood change in the following post and maybe more to come. I figure this is our blog (really my blog because Carrick has made zero posts) and it only seems right that I can share what I'm really thinking right? Even if it is only my mother-in-law reading, and I tell her what I'm thinking all the time anyway... (Hey Carolyn :) Anyway, let's get to it.

Basically, I feel like we are at a crossroads. There are so many possibilities open for our life right now I'm stumped and overwhelmed at what is the right choice for us. I have always been very sure about who I am and what I'm going to do in this life, but now I'm not so sure, and let me tell you I hate this feeling. This will sound weird but I've always known my path in life. In high school I knew where I fit. When I met Carrick I knew he was who I was going to marry and share my life with. I was confident and determined to finish my associates in a year because I knew being able to be with him and move around the world was what was supposed to happen.

Now that feeling is gone. Is Carrick meant to get out of the military (just to let you know, right now we are thinking the answer is yes)? Are we supposed to move back to Iowa? or living on a ranch out West sounds fun, or what about somewhere in the Smokies, or perhaps we should just travel the world before we settle down...(see, overwhelming possibilities)... What about kids.. is now really the right time? How about jobs... Carrick has no idea what he wants to do. I'm doing the teaching thing because it seemed like the best option, but is that really what I want? "The best option" doesn't sound like the most convincing argument... aren't teachers supposed to be more noble than that?

I'm struggling to find a purpose. I know I have one. I know I can do great things. I'm just not sure what those great things are supposed to be. And waiting for them is the worst.... I'm the most impatient person ever (ask my husband if you don't believe me) and having to live with myself while waiting for what comes next is not easy for me.


Side note: Apologies for not posting in so long. Basically since October we did the whole holidays thing, but it's kinda boring with just the two of us (example: we ate at a buffet for Thanksgiving dinner only after Carrick was watching a cooking show about traditional Thanksgiving food and decided we had to venture out a 7pm to get some). Thanks to all our families for the thoughts, letters, and packages. It really does mean a lot to us to hear from home.


Meagan said...

I'm still reading this... well when you post something that is :) I know you will decide what's right for you both!

Anonymous said...

I'm still reading too! Sounds like you're frustrated!(At least you were the day you posted.)Know that whatever you decide, we're in your corner.